Futher thoughts on the Divinity of Mexican food

This is too brilliant not to share.

For those of you unaware, I have a brother. He does not facebook or twitter, and he's sometimes a little hard to get ahold of. HOWEVER he may, in fact, be one of the smartest men I know and also, perhaps, one of the wittiest.

Apparently, he was forwarded my recent Proof of God's existence. He apparently tried to comment, only to find his comment was too long. He then emailed them to me. I am reproducing it here because I haven't laughed this hard since, well about 45 minutes ago when I saw this video.. Before that, however, it's been a good long time.

Without further ado-

"Dear Persuasive Blogger,



Although you present a rather valid argument regarding the connection between God and the culinary expertise of the Hispanic culture I must indulge in the greater exploration of your analysis. As you seem to point out over all it isn’t necessarily the actual food that serves as the gateway to God, but rather the locations in which said foods are served. Your points include the cheese covered indulgences, the mariachi inspired interiors that resemble the stomach of a muppet, the high profile food items that are by today’s standards iconic, and the sophisticated green ancestor of the Sonic slushy. In many more ways do the elements of Mexican food match up with common beliefs of Trinity based faiths. Take for instance the fact that Mexican food in its own is a variety of assortments of the same ingredients. Tacos are meat, cheese, and vegetables on a tortilla, burritos are meat, beans, and cheese on flour tortillas, enchiladas are meat, cheese, and vegetables rolled up in a tortilla and topped with more cheese, nachos are meat cheese and vegetables on a bunch of small tortillas. This could follow common Christian belief that all individuals are composed of the same moral and soulful building blocks but are different and unique. Another parallel would be the fact that in Christian Faith humans are naturally sinful, though they have the ability to rise above this and work towards God’s grace. Many Mexican restaurants can have bad food and thus serve as a shame towards the glory of the Mexican Restaurant Ideal. Other restaurants serve extremely delicious food things that rectify them saints among restaurants. Finally most Mexican restaurants have a mix of both good and bad, but mostly good, much in the way human existence is seen through the eyes of God. My curiosities arises in the idea that if Mexican food can prove the existence of God, can other outlets of other culinary venues prove the existence of other deities or idols?



Take Greek food for example. Since most Hispanic cultures follow Christian based faith, let’s assume that Greek food would point towards the existence of ancient Greek Gods of Olympus. The foods often found with Greek dinning are comprised of ingredients susceptible very much too fluctuating quality. This can link a similarity with the mood swings of old gods and goddesses. Depending on the season some foods are better than others. Additionally the gods of old were known to play tricks on those praising them for amusement. In many a Greek restaurant I have entered (such as the Mad Greek from Lawrence KS) I have found menu items that actually belong more towards a different culture such as ravioli. This confuses me greatly as I thought I was in a Greek restaurant and I am torn between ordering something Greek or something Italian. In a way similar to how Zeus’s wrath would be if a peasant changed devotions, horrible stomach pains would arise from my Ravioli meal. The restaurant has in a way tricked me in food poisoning via their offering of something different.



If one idol is not good enough let us look at the existence of Buddha in Asian Restaurants. One of the largest components of Buddhism is the search for enlightenment and meditation. The atmosphere of most West World dining facilities is tranquil with soft melodic music and soothing dark lighting. You feel at peace in these locations as long as there is not an obnoxious American child demanding chicken fingers. Buddha was also a idol from the people and much of menu options found are those from the common people. Nothing too terribly fancy and if it is, it has its roots founded on an old house wife’s recipe. One last parallel to be found is the insistence of humility. Many, many dishes humble even the proudest of indulgers with their horribly spicy peppers that remain unnamed and ambiguous on the list of things poisonous to humans. Please also note that Mexican food also has spicy food that humbles the stomachs of many similar to the teachings of humility by God.



As an overall point I include one of your own arguments that perhaps there can indeed be multiple Gods based and the status quo in culture. For instance you stated that Mexican Tacos, Burritos, and Nachos are iconic and the most well know. Well God is considered the most prominent spiritual leader of this planet. The lesser iconic foods with their gods hold a less of a hold on the beliefs on humanity. In this regard I do agree with your ascertain that Mexican Food is indeed evidence towards the existence of God, but I question if others might exist as well. As one once said to Luke, “you are a Tru man of God” by his gospels and teaching, but most prominently for his journey into understanding the teachings. Without exploration or questions one will not find enlightenment or delicious foods, and with this I say to you good day…

-A Mysterious Man"





50 gold stars for my brother.

(P.S. I've ended up talking about mexican food way more than I originally planned on in this blog. I should have named it "Mexican Food and Bloody Marys" maybe)

America: Champions Need Not Apply

Let's talk about champions.

A champion is (thanks dictionary.com) "a person who has defeated all opponents in a competition or a series of competitions, so as to hold first place."

We are a nation built by champions. Our economy is founded on the idea that, competing in an open market, the company with the best combination of superior services and competitive price will eventually become the most successful. Our athletes compete against each other and against others from around the world, always vying to claim (or defend) the title of 'champion' for America. Our artists enjoy unparalleled freedom to express themselves- essentially 'champions' of self-expression.

Say the word "champion" and the first thing that most people think of is- high school sports. In high school, the Championship was all. Legacies were carved and history cemented with a win. Losses were crushing. Young men and women train tirelessly to be the best. Because who should win the Championship? The best. And because of their hard work, that's what Champions are- the best.

I think the quote at the base of the Statue of Liberty is 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses longing to breathe free.' Something to that effect. Thinking about that quote, I can't help but remember that a champion can also be defined as "a person who fights for or defends any cause or person."

Americans are defenders. We defend the tired, the poor, the old, the destitute. The American Spirit is one of hard work and self reliance, but it is also one of generosity. From the first pilgrims in New England who helped each other because if they hadn't, they would have literally died; to the obscenely wealthy Andrew Carnegie who put libraries throughout the developing country in the late 19th and early 20th centuries; to marches and rallies of the civil rights movement reminding us that the Declaration of Independence claims all men are created equal; each of us, as Americans, has a right and a duty to help, and to be helped. We are a great nation, indivisible- and that means everybody, from the richest to the poorest, the newborn to eldest amongst us, from Hawaii to Maine. We teach our children to stand up for what is right- to make choices not because they are easy, but because they are the right thing to do. The wars we are fighting, for better or worse, were on some level waged because we saw people that needed help, and thought that we could and should do the helping.

At the base of it, a champion is "a fighter or warrior." We love fighters. Americans are addicted to the contest. We root for the reigning winner because he is who we want to be, we root for the underdog because he is who we are. We hold up as national heroes the men and women who every day risk their lives for us- troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, firefighters, policemen. 'Fight for what you believe in' is a national theme that has appeared in thousands of books, movies, songs, television shows through the years. And why shouldn't we fight? We are Americans. We can do anything. We are champions.

At least, we were.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, we stopped concerning ourselves with actually being Champions. Some have been and continue to rest contentedly on our laurels, coasting on the comfort resulting from victories won over half a century ago. We haven't won anything recently. We made messes and then managed to extricate ourselves from them, thanks to the enormous amount of wealth and influence we wielded. And for a while, that worked.

But recently, our wealth is all but imaginary, and our influence has lost both it's luster and it's weight. We are just another country on the face of the globe, torn from within by pettiness and bickering, fatigued from without by commitments made to feed our own hubris. How are we champions?

When the men and women of this nation, this indivisible nation, are so selfish they are unwilling to lend a hand or dollar to help another in need, how are we champions? That public officials can condone- and let's be real honest here, when you don't stop something, you are condoning it- racial slurs being hurled at congressmen and presidents is not just sad and disrespectful, it's hardly the behavior of a nation that saw itself as the shining city upon a hill, the example for all to see. When we stop working to create the best, most diverse nation in existence- and stop not because we are exhausted from our efforts but because, for one reason or another, 'all men' suddenly means 'all men but this man'- we cannot claim to be champions.



We cannot be champions if we will not fight, and we have most seriously lost our desire to fight. We are fat on cheap fast foods and we are entertained by the flat screens that we bought on credit. "Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for your country" as a national attitude has been replaced with "What have you done for me lately?" Never mind that young people are not voting, they don't know what's going on in the first place. Even in the wake of the recent economic downturn, with employment near 10%, how have we responded? Complacently, as foreclosure notices and pink slips litter the countryside. How can we, who fought, sacrificed, died for and finally won our own independence, sit in our Lazyboys and simply change the channel when faced with challenges that lie before us?

A champion would not sit idly by.

A champion would fight and struggle and defend this nation. If America is the greatest country on the earth- and I know many who would say that- then it is time to remind ourselves and the world just why we should have the privilege of claiming that. We must continue to advance. We must continue to unite. We must defend the title.

The responsibility is all ours. The longer we sit and succumb to reality TV and subscribe to a vigilant neglect of what is going on in the world around us, the harder and harder it becomes to get back to being the best. We are now the underdogs in a struggle against ourselves. It's a position we're used to and one we've done well from in the past, but underdogs can't sit back and wait for the next show. The time is now. The game has already started. The question is- where are the champions?

Amuse-Bouche: You Might Not Know What This Is, But You'll Want To

Clearly, if you're reading this, you have Taste.

Let's face it, you either stumbled across this blog because you, too, attend/aspire to black tie events and like drinking bloody marys, Or you're a friend of mine, or a friend of my friend. You probably have At Least a gold star or two (and if you don't, you'll want to find out how to get them- they're good to have...) And let's just be honest, you probably love food. I mean, I love food (I especially love Mexican Food). If I could have named this blog "Black Tie, Bloody Marys and Food," I would have (it was just a really long title, and I feel like someone else is already using it).

In any case, I have recently learned of the most unusual and interesting bit of food culture: the Amuse-Bouche (pronounced uh-MYUZ-boosh). 'What,' you ask 'is that?'

First, we'll do a little bit of translating (I feel confident about these particular words in French, they're among the 17 I know). 'Amuse' in French is pretty much the same as it is in English- to amuse or entertain. 'Bouche' is the French for 'mouth.' So put together (and flipped because French does that), 'amuse-bouche' means 'mouth amuser.'

'Mouth amuser? Really, Aaron? You mean like a grape slush?'

Yes, like a grape slush, only better. Chefs sometime serve an amuse-bouche at the very beginning of a meal to wake up your taste buds. Give them a bit of a shake. They're like appetizers, but they're only one bite and you don't get to pick them (I know, I know, I thought it was unfair at first too, I mean what if I'm alergic? What if I'm morally against one of the ingredients? What if they're made with bacon? BUT THEN I realized that HELLO amuse bouche's are served by CHEFS, and if you're being cooked for by a chef, then either a) they're totally able to modify it for you or b) you shut up and eat it anyway because you're at a restaurant with a Chef (who, p. s. is serving you an amuse bouche, which is not something many chefs do anyway), for crying out loud).

They're also like little surprises- because you don't even know you're getting one (ok, sometimes you know, but sometimes you might not), and as mentioned above, you won't know what they are til they show up.

'So, essentially, you're excited about a small piece of quiche that some chef is serving you?'

Well, I guess, in essence, yes, but it's more than that.

This is going to be the superest, awesomest quiche ever in the history of all small quiches (it's a good thing I don't have amuse bouches all the time or I'd have to re-write the Greatest Foods of All Time Ever list from start to finish). And really, in the limited research I've done on the subject, they're usually more than a quiche. Just sayin' (I do love quiche, though.)

Again, the surprise factor cannot be overstated. It could be a drink or a bit of soup or a little truffle or something completely different. Clearly, your mouth will be amused.

And the flavor combinations are known to be wild- remember, this is a mouth amuser, and this girl/guy is a CHEF, so s/he's gonna make sure your taste buds are like "ZOMFG what was that?!???!! give me more!!!"

To give you a better idea, I'll end this with some pictures, so you can understand just what I mean:










Wow. Just wow.

It's Friday afternoon and I'm having a Grape Slush to celebrate

Never mind that I had one yesterday, too.

OK, so to be completely honest, I don't have much reason to celebrate Fridays at the moment. Monday is my day off, so Friday is actually kind of hump day for me. And I still have 3 more nights to go until a break (and THIS week, I don't even get Monday off- I'm not bitching, I don't want this to be that post, I'm just sayin'- I digress...)

ANYWAY, for the rest of the American world, it's Friday and that means Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus time. Cel-e-brate good times, c'mon. Et cetera. There are many ways to celebrate Friday- some are small, some are not so small. I recommend all of these to you.

Maybe not all at once.

1) Grape slush from Sonic. OK, if you live someplace that there aren't Sonics, I hate to break it to you, but this just won't work out for you. You are just S.O.L. and that is a low down dirty crying shame because if grape slushes were a food, they would be on the Greatest Foods of All Time Ever list. I'm serious. These delicious ecstasy-laced beverages will brighten your Friday like few other things in this world (actually, the only other things that are equivalent are on this list). Fake Grape + shaved ice = sheer genius.

HEALTH HAZARD: You have to be careful with the Grape Slush because they are so. good. and you will want to just chug that sucker right down. However, the Grape Slush has designed a defense mechanism against that and it is called brain freeze. Brain freeze is actually not harmful, but it sure does hurt. You will feel, well, like your brain has been dipped in liquid nitrogen. If you don't know what that does, watch the end of Terminator 2. It will feel like that. All I'm sayin' is, enjoy your slush s l o w l y.

2) Trip to Spain. What better way to say "I'm done being a work-a-holic" than going to a country where the *whole country* takes a nap in the afternoon? (I've not actually been to Spain, or anywhere in Europe for that matter, but I do know like 17 words in French) It's easy- just hop a flight and head over! Eat some Tapas, see some cathedrals, play some soccer. It will be an awesome weekend!

HEALTH HAZARD: You might get stampeded by a bull. Depending on the town, or if you are in the countryside, or in a bull fighting ring, the possibility exists that you might be in danger. Precautions you can take are: avoid wearing red, don't sign up for any mixer parties in bull fighting arenas, keep your wallet in your front pocket. I'm not sure how this will help, but it sounds like sound advice.

3) Go see Inception. But don't tell me about it, because I want to see it. I hear it's so. good.

HEALTH HAZARD: Not much, just don't have a heart attack during the movie. Also, go easy on the butter on the popcorn. You don't need all those calories.

4) Put on 80's music and slide around in your socks and underwear like Tom Cruise in that movie. I mean, come on! It's FRIDAY! If that doesn't make you want to dance and sing in a state of undress, I don't know what will (Also, your life can't be a musical because it breaks one of the rules "all musicals MUST have a number in some semi-unclothed state." Think about it, and you'll know I'm right).

HEALTH HAZARD: If you aren't careful, you will crash into things as you are sliding around. Also, falling is a potential danger. Be careful! And also, it's not exactly a health hazard, but make sure that the blinds are drawn, unless you want your neighbor playing paparazzi.

5 Go out to eat. This may seem like an obvious choice, but it's obvious for a great reason. I would recommend Mexican, but anything will do. Go out, be social, be seen, eat delicious food. It's pretty simple.

HEALTH HAZARD: Chips can be pointy and cut your mouth. That's pretty much all I can think of.

Thomas Jefferson would do a fatality on this internet connection

I'm pretty sure that when Thomas Jefferson and all the other founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence and framed the constitution, this conversation or some approximation of it occured:


Jefferson: Gentlemen, don't you think that this thing should read 'life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and a good strong internet connection at all times?'

Franklin: Jefferson, I think that's ridiculous. Everyone knows that a good internet connection is so fundamental a right, even King George wouldn't try to take it away from us.

Jefferson: I'm inclined to agree with you Benjamin, but, gentlemen, we shouldn't take anything for granted.

Franklin: Jefferson, shut it.

Adams: Benjamin, why are you so testy? And stop calling him Jefferson, it's a little ridiculous.

Franklin: Oh ho ho, John Adams weighs in! Aren't you going to wait until George Washington shows up to make a statement? Can't say anything until Georgy gives his "presidential seal" of approval huh?

Jefferson: Yes, gentlemen, where is George?

Adams: He's late. Probably trying to make an entrance. And I can speak for myself, Benjamin.

Franklin: I can speak for myself, Benjamin.

Adams: Stop that!

Franklin: Stop that!

Jefferson: Gentlemen!

Hamilton: Can't we all just get along?

Jefferson: Gentlemen, we were discussing the clause of "good strong internet connection at all times" and whether we should put it in or leave it out.

Franklin: That's what she said.

Adams: Benjamin!

Franklin: Benjamin!

Hamilton: *singing* Children behave/ that's what they say when we're together/ And watch how you play-

Washington (bursting in): ALL RIGHT BOYS. Let's get down to work. Charge!

Adams: George! I'm so glad you're here.

Jefferson: If you can please compose yourselves, gentlemen, let's get down to work on this declaration.

Washington: I'm in charge here. I say we attack at dawn. Charge!

Jefferson: GENTLEMEN. George, calm down. Benjamin, leave John alone, you know how he breaks out when he gets upset. John, keep quiet. Alexander, stop crying. Are we listing 'good internet connection' as an inalienable right or not?

Franklin: As I said before, there's no reason to. They may take our blood, but they will not take our internet.

Washington: I agree with Ben. Now can we go attack the English already?

Adams: I don't think we need it. It also makes the sentence sound bulky.

Hamilton: Whatever makes everybody happy.

Jefferson: Thank you, gentlemen. Henceforth, it is resolved that from this day forward, with God as my witness, all men shall be connected equal. Equally. Connected equally, rather.


I'm positive that this was supposed to be listed. I know it in my bones. So when I'm trying to update, or post, or google blue whales, or whatever, It upsets me greatly when the internet connection sucks. Sucky internet connection is almost even worse than no internet at all. If there's no signal period, which is still pretty depressing in it's own way, at least I know where I stand. When you have a weak signal or it goes in and out, it's maddening. I mean, you are clearly supposed to have internet, and you plan on having it, but then your plans are foiled by sucky internet.

My constitutional rights are simply infringed upon when I'm told I can get online and I can't. I should not and will not stand for this blatant affront to my rights as an American. Nor should anyone else.

And so I say to you, my fellow Americans,

Let us unite against this dark tide of deceit.

Let us rise against the powers of lameness and "unresponsive servers."

Let us overcome this lack of internet, and together, as one nation, connect and, as is our right and our duty, surf the interwebs without lag.

Thank you all. God bless the internet, and god bless America.

How cucumbers might change your life

Recently, I had an epiphany of sorts (no, not this one, life changing as it was). And that epiphany was cucumbers.

Yes, cucumbers.

I mean, let's face it- I slept on cucumbers for a long time. They were OK in a salad, I guess, but really just part of the over-all flavor of the thing. Also, pickles. I liked pickles alright. Fine, sure, sometimes, I got a hankering and I could sit down and polish off a jar of Valsic bread and butter spears in one sitting, but the credit didn't go to the cukes- it went to the delightful sweet and tangy awesomeness of the bread and butter brine. (P. S. How DO bread and butter pickles taste so awesome?I honestly don't know- Gold star to anybody who shares the answer) (also P. S. you'll want to say "bread and butter brine" out loud. I promise you'll like it)

I have, however, been exposed to the Truth. Cucumbers are THE DEAL. Light, crisp, fresh and with just hint of a trace of natural sweetness, cucumbers are pretty much an amazing food (the only way they could be better is if cheese were somehow involved... hmmmmmm.......) Cucumbers have made it onto my 'greatest foods of ALL TIME EVER' list, so you know they aren't a game. And in light of their appearance on that list, and realizing that you might not yet understand their total amazingness, I give unto you, the masses,

AWESOME THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH CUCUMBERS!

Eat them.


Go ahead.


Do it.


Just rinse that sucker off and bite it.


Cut them up and eat them.

A slightly more elegant version of the previously mentioned technique. Using a sharp object of some sort, (a knife would be preferable, but I understand that there might be some folks out there who might use something else- what am I saying? Use a knife, for the love of god) slice the cucumber into either a) slices or b) chunks. Slices say "I'm refined and cool enough to eat cucumber slices," chunks say "I'm a little more rough and tumble, but I still love cucumber, so I must be at least somewhat civilized."

Cut them up and put stuff on them and eat them.

Taking a walk on the wild side here, you can slice/chunk up your cucumber and combine the awesome flavor with ANOTHER awesome flavor. For the All-American taste, go with some buttermilk ranch. For a more exotic experience, use hummus (also on the 'greatest foods of ALL TIME EVER' list, so you KNOW that's gonna be good). If you really want to be adventurous, try them with *whispers* peanut or almond butter. Life Changing? YES.

Use them to make a salad.

Ok, so I already mentioned this one before, but I don't mean "make a lettuce salad and throw a bunch of things like olives and tomatoes and carrots and green bell peppers and onions and cucumbers and bacon and smother it in catalina dressing." No. I mean " chunk up a bunch of cucumber and put a *few* tomato chunks and *a little bit* of red onion and oil and vinegar and pepper and dill." Omg dill. The dill is the key. This dill-cucumber business will change. your. life.

Make a sandwich with them on it.

Again, someone else may have suggested this somewhere along the line, but cucumber sandwiches are quite refreshing. In fact, you can throw cucumber slices (not a whole, unsliced cucumber- that would be sort of awkward. chunks are not encouraged in this medium, either) on pretty much any sandwich. For the true experience, however, attempt to make a sandwich that highlights the flavor of the cucumber as the star. I would tell you how, except I've never actually made a cucumber sandwich on my own- just eaten them other places, and bought them from the store. So good luck on that, but with the guidance I've given you so far, I feel confident you will succeed in your sandwich endeavors.


And finally, last but never least, put them in a beverage.

Ok, wow. Putting some slices of cucumber in your water instead of lemon may sound odd, but it is SO. GOOD. And then, there is gin and cucumbers. This really really *really* blew my mind. Muddle up some cucumber at the bottom of a gin and tonic, and your life will change. For ever and for the better. (If you don't like gin, I can't help you, and I'm not sure we can be friends)


This is by no means a comprehensive list of the amazing things you can do with cucumbers. We didn't even start talking about pickles and relish. Suffice to say, they deserve their own list of awesome things you can do with them. And amazingly, it all comes back to the cucumber, plain and simple. I highly encourage you to go out and find other new and exciting ways to enjoy this awesome vegetable (technically, a fruit, but who's counting?).

_______ sure is a crazy bitch, but I love her.

EQUALS



I've pretty much been listening to Annie Lennox's Diva all day, since I woke up this morning. I woke up and found I had left my iTunes on shuffle, and had simply turned off the volume instead of pausing it. So I turned up the volume and the song that was playing was "He's a Tramp" sung by Peggy Lee on Disney's Lady and the Tramp soundtrack. Which is an odd, but strangely gratifying thing to wake one's self up to.

(This is, by the way, on the heels of a dream in which The Light in the Piazza is taking place in London and Clara is singing "Portebello Road" from Bedknobs and Broomsticks while trying to escape the city, and when I finally do, I'm in a desert and it feels like Cher and Celine Dion are singing at the top of the dunes in front of me.... did I mention I have rather involved, unusual dreams? Because I do. I digress...)

So, once Lady and the Tramp was over, I made a move to go back and start it over and put the album on repeat because I was feeling it, only then, I had to stop. Annie's voice came on and I thought 'OK. I'll let this play for a minute, and change it after "Walking On Broken Glass"' but then I didn't. And why I didn't is pretty obvious:

Diva is a damn fine album. Start to finish.

I ended up putting it on repeat, and promptly listened to it 3 times fully through (I may have done some highlights also- "Walking on Broken Glass" about 47 times, and also "Little Bird" probably a good 33 or so). As I went about my life listening to the album, I started thinking

'I should write about Annie Lennox.'

And then I thought

'She sure is a crazy bitch.'

beat

'But I still love her.'

Like I mean, let's be honest. She's outspoken. She has an album named Diva. And that sticker she had on Bare explaining the picture and the concept of the album? She a crazy bitch.

All that said, I still love her. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that *most* of my favorite female artists were crazy bitches. Bjork? DEFINITELY a crazy bitch. Etta James? First crazy bitch of jazz & blues. Amy Winehouse? I mean, she's practically the poster child for Crazy Bitches, International.

Now there are exceptions. Dinah Washington? Not a crazy bitch. Beyonce? Heeeelllll nah, she's got her self together. And there are others.

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter, as long as the music is good. Annie's definitely is. And that's probably the best way to think about her- Crazy bitch or not, I'll still love her.

This post is like a pineapple. Or a small tract of land, such as part of France.

So, it was a long weekend. A great weekend, to be sure, BUT after 5 days of awesomeness, getting back into the routine of life was something that my body and mind were rather 5-year-old about; namely, they put their foot down, crossed their arms and said 'UH UH' rather defiantly.

Part of the getting back into the routine was getting back to this blog. And, like the over-zealous person I am, the first idea I had for when I came back was pretty epic. In fact, it may just be the epic-est blog post ever. Of all. In the history of blogging.

(that might be a tad bit of a build up, I know, but then again, over-zealous might apply to my liberal use of exaggeration also)

Anyway, against my body's will, I sat down to work on this epic post. I wrote. I linked. I even added pictures (!!!) and it took me hours upon hours (3, anyway) and, halfway through, I stepped back and read what I had and I thought

"This sucks."

So I had to go back and re-work it. And then, because of the re-working, it got More Epic. It got so epic it became the Most Epic Post (MEP). Which made it have to be longer. And that brings us to last night, when I got done with work and I came home and I was like "If I don't finish this blog post like, now, no one is EVER going to read my blog again, and I'll die alone and obscure, and it doesn't matter if I write 50 gazillion more posts and they're all MEP, no one is going to care." It might have been a little less dramatic, I can't remember, I was tired and that's what it felt like.

But the pressure was paralyzing, and I ended up falling asleep trying to finish the post.

Then the morning came, and I woke up and thought "OK, time to triage. The MEP might not ever get finished. At least put up SOMETHING."

Which brings me to the pineapple. (Or the coast of France. You pick)

The pineapple, for those of you who don't know, is a symbol of hospitality. Starting with Christopher Columbus, if you saw a pineapple outside of a village or a house, it meant you were welcome there. It spread back to Europe, and became THE entertainment accessory of the fashionable class. It was essential to good dinner parties. ( the coast of France is kind of the same way- between England, France and Germany, the coastline along what is current France was given as a gift like, about 500 times in the middle ages- sometimes as a dowry, or a promise of peace, or a show of commercial cooperation. I think the post is better as a pineapple, but France sounds more Epic)

And so, I offer you this post. As a symbol to welcome you (welcome you back, for those of you who endured that 5 days without a post). It's also to whet your appetite for more posts- you see the pineapple (or post) and you think "ok, wow, seriously, this guy knows about entertaining and I am in Good Hands." It's almost an appetizer, or the springboard before the you dive into the pool.

More posts, more soon. I promise.

UPDATE: Also, as an added bonus, you get a Gold Star just for reading this. That's all you have to do. Trust me, I won't be so generous with the Gold Stars in the future, so you want to stock up on them.

The REAL Summer Music Post

(Probably the first of 2 or 3 installments- notice none of that was in French, I just let the exciting subject matter speak for itself)

(also, please notice my increased technical prowess with that supersweet link!!! omg I'm going to be a pro at this interwebs stuff in *NO TIME*)

H'ok, so first things first- this is by no means a comprehensive list of what I have listened to this summer so far, it's just either a) brand spanking new, b) new-ish but new to me and/or deserves more recognition or c) old, but awesome, and I've been listening to it a lot. Love it or hate it, my tastes run quite a gamut. The titles are links (!!!!!) to the albums on itunes, for your perusal/purchasing pleasure.


Janelle Monáe The ArchAndroid
Ranging from a tripped out Bhudda-chill vibe on "Sir Greendown" to a candy coated bounce on "Wondaland," The ArchAndroid has pretty much *everything.* Conceptually, Monáe presents herself as some sort of futuristic savior? Or maybe renegade? I still don't quite understand it, and I've read the liner notes about 24 times (PS there are liner notes- who even does that anymore?- this is reason enough to love the album). It really doesn't matter, because the album is an experience start to finish. The single "Tightrope" is a charged, funky juggernaut of a number, and definitely deserves some party play. Other standouts include the afore mentioned "Sir Greendown," a wonderfully ponderous and ethereal little gem which is followed by "Cold War," one of the most infectious joyous yet militant songs I've heard in quite a while. Really though, while I have my favorites, the entire album really is fantastic. Highly recommended.


The Noisettes Wild Young Hearts
Deliciously retro and decidedly catchy, The Noisettes first caught my attention at (quelle surprise) a gay bar in Houston. A remix of "Don't Upset The Rhythm" was playing on the TV in the bar and I thought "well that's a good time" and went and promptly downloaded 3 mixes of the song- the original and 2 remixes (the Kissy Sell Out is GREAT). Lo and behold, at a Target 3 months later, the album cover caught my eye and I got the whole thing. And how happy I am that I did. A compact 10-song play list makes for a great length- it's not too long, and no song sounds like any of the others. The first half of the album is especially strong. "Never Forget You" and "Wild Young Hearts" both capture a youthful, sunny energy, while the blistering "Saturday Night" will definitely convince you that blood is to be had on the dance floor, and you won't want to miss it, either. Finally, "Atticus" is brooding and contemplative, always verging on a total rock out session, but never going there. It's dark but awesome. Très worth your attention.


BT These Hopeful Machines
BT is pretty much a demigod. He has some of the best 4/4 thumpa thumpa techno around- always interesting and often quite moving (check out "Sunblind" on the second disc of Rare and Remixed, or "Simply Being Loved" on Emotional Technology), and his albums are explorations of what technology can do to break down and restructure sounds. These Hopeful Machines, which dropped February 2nd, is 2 long play sides. A Side, clocking in at 58 minutes (unfortunately, it's all one track- there might be a version available with the "songs" broken into different tracks, which I would highly recommend, but even still, it's totally worth having), has some breathtaking moments - around 9 minutes "The Emergency" begins, and it is dark and crystaline and absolutely gorgeous; also the last 'movement' of the disc "Forget Me" is an 'we're-all-too-fragile-but-live-life-to-the-fullest-anyway' supercharged send off that is just *begging* for a speeding ticket. Also, the Armen Van Buuren Remix of "Every Other Way" is not to be missed.


And, finally, a playlist of assorted goodies

Ramalama (Bang Bang) - Roisin Murphy
Soldier of Love - Sade
Stay by Me - Annie Lennox
When The Lights Go Down In The City - Journey
I'm Not Perfect - Grace Jones
Teeth - Lady GaGa
Animal - Ke$ha
Lil Freak - Usher featuring Nicki Minaj
Beautiful Liar - Beyonce & Shakira
Ventura Highway - America
You Make Lovin' Fun - Fleetwood Mac
Change Your Mind - The Killers

Happy Listening!

Post Script: READER INTERACTION!!! I usually hate it in shows when the performers go out into the audience to torment some poor person by dragging them onto stage and making them do a dance or sing along or wear a funny hat or something, UNLESS that's the kind of show it is- then it's fair game. So I'm warning you in advance, if you don't want to participate, you don't have to. BUT I'm always on the hunt for new awesome music, so if you have recommendations, they are highly encouraged.

French on the Internet Versus Me (Summer Music Part UN!)

Ok, so I'm gonna get to the summer music part, but first lets talk about the number '1' in french. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I know more than I actually do. And usually, this manifests in pretending i'm multilingual. And usually, it doesn't work out.

What happens is this: when I'm trying to make something that's already exciting MORE exciting (like a summer music post), I might introduce the topic in another language. (I usually pick french because I do actually know like about 17 words in french AND "but then, french is a much chicer language, EVERYone says so- parlez vous français?" you get a GOLD STAR if you can name the musical and which character says it) This is done in an attempt to send my partner in conversation/blog reader into a frothing, raving state of frenzied excitement about the information to come.

"ZOMG, I CAN'T WAIT TO RECIEVE THIS AMAZING ENLIGHTENMENT OF OBSCENELY AWESOME INFORMATION!!1!!!!11!!1! I MEAN, HE JUST ANNOUNCED IT IN FRENCH! I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT IT MEANS, BUT I AM ***SO*** EXCITED," I imagine them to say, and then squeal "PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE HURRY UP AND TELL ME NOW OR I MIGHT DIE!"

But this rarely occurs. (One would think I would learn, but no, no I am apparently impervious to clear and often blatant messages)

So instead of the desired raving near-worship I hoped for, I get "Il parle du français ! Comment merveilleux. 'Ces anglais n'est-il pas Seulement des haut-parleurs un raseur ?' " OR "¡Habla francés! El probablemente sabe español, también. ¡Cuán internacional! '¿No es estos inglés Sólo altavoces un aburre?' "



FML.


And then I have to explain that I don't actually speak french, I just know like 17 words and I like to toss them in when I can. (And my spanish is even more dismal, ESPECIALLY since I live in Texas and Mexico is like, across the street and all) And whoever it is feels let down, and they've forgotten to be excited about whatever it was that I was trying to get them excited about in the first place, and the whole thing has gone down the tubes.

(P.S. I totally used freetranslation.com for that phrases above, so apologies to those who CAN speak/read french/spanish and it sounds stilted or awkward)

ALL OF THAT SAID, I was going to put the title of this post in french, which, according to freetranslation.com, is 'La musique de l'été, l'un séparer,' which, for the casual un-french-speaker, would be hella confusing (I mean, I know like 17 words, so I practically speak the language, and I only recognize 'musique')

(that's a secret, by the way, of the frenzy-inducing: the reader/conversationalist you are attempting to impress has to be able to pick out at least a couple of words so they have a general idea of what you're whipping them into a frenzy about- I digress...)

So I decided to just do 'part one' in french, but that's "Summer Music, l'un séparer" which still sounds like I might be breaking up, or at least tearing things, neither of which I have any inclination towards. Ok, so final title: Summer Music, Part ... wait. 'One' in french isn't ' l'un ,' it's 'une,' right? I ask freetranslation.com:

Translate: One
From: English
To: French
>>free translating goes on<<
Translation: Un

Un, No. Good try, freetranslation.com, but you aren't going to fool me. I know like 17 whole words in french and one of them is the word for 'one' which is 'une.' Nevertheless, I try to have backing when I make a claim in a language that isn't my first, so I go looking further on the interwebs.

At wikihow.com, I type "how do I count to ten in french" and here's what comes up:

> It's easy, so give it a try now.

No duh, wikihow. As I've said, 17 words, I know french. Just tell me how to spell 'one.'

> Have patience. It might take a while to memorize all the numbers.:

I don't want to be patient, I don't need all the numbers! Just one. The first one.

> The first number is un. It is pronounced like someone has punched you in the stomach. "Uh!"

What?! No, that can't be right.


But it was. I also checked Wikipedia, but it was pretty half hearted because I knew in my heart I had been defeated. Sadly, I titled the post "Summer Music Part UN!"

and then I stared at the screen for a while, totally crushed. There may have been a single tear or so, I don't know.

Typing this has been pretty painful (I only got excited about the part in all caps, and also the french and spanish phrases poking ironic fun at myself), so unfortunately, the summer music post will probably have to wait. Je suis fatigué. (SEE! I DO KNOW SOME FRENCH- I SWEAR I KNEW THAT, AND I ONLY COPIED IT FROM FREETRANSLATION.COM BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TYPE THE 'E' WITH THE TIC MARK ABOVE IT!)