Hotels

So, the holiday season is approaching (as was stated in my last post which I got quite a bit of feedback on, and my dear readers, THANK YOU for your responses- you know who you are, and I have a Gold Star for each of you). And holidays mean lots of traveling in lots of people's plans. And I thought it might be a worthwhile to spend a minute on hotels.

Now, before we go any further, you should know that I love hotels. Hotels are an excuse for me to be indulgent. If I'm staying at a hotel, I take looooong showers. Instead of putting my dirty clothes in a neat little pile, I throw them where ever I damn well please. I keep the room a nice frosty 66 degrees so that I can snuggle under the covers of the much-newer-than-my-own mattress. (Actually, now that I think about it, my showers at home are pretty lengthy and my clothes pretty much are everywhere anyway, so I guess I'm indulgent most of the time :-/)

When hoteling, I pretty much pretend that I'm an Important Person. And if you haven't ever tried this, I strongly suggest you do. Because when you're staying at a hotel, nobody but the desk person who checks you in knows your name. For all those other hotel-dwellers know, you could be famous from a video you put up on Youtube. You could be famous from somewhere in Europe. And unless you make it obvious that you clearly are not Somebody famous from Somewhere, nobody will know otherwise.

Some tips for looking like an Important Person:

-Wear sunglasses. They can be real-expensive or fake-expensive, but you must have them. As soon as you hide your eyes, people will begin to wonder who you are and why you can't just make eye contact like other Normal People. And then they will start to wonder "Didn't I see that guy on a youtube video?"

-Have matching luggage. And have a lot of it. Preferably all black, or, if you must, in that brown and tan Louis Vutton print that I am *SO* over. And they don't have to actually match 100%, just enough so that when somebody is trying to seriously-but-not-obviously scope on you and your stuff, they think it's all the same. Bags with extraneous and whimsical functions will definitely help- hatboxes, dog carriers, coolers are all great ideas.

-Travel with a small dog. Life on the road for an Important Person is tough, and it can get lonely. A small dog solves that problem. Lucky for you, since you are just trying to look like an Important Person, you get twice the benefits! You get the company of a small dog of your choosing and you now have a reason to purchase and carry a bag (that matches your other luggage) that you can carry said dog around in. People will definitely want to know who you are if you have a small dog in a bag, but they'll be intimidated by your sunglasses and matching luggage, and they will DEFINITELY think you are an Important Person.

Now, I should clarify- whether or not you are Important Person-ing, there are some rules that ALL hotel-ers should follow.

If you insist on being the idiot that travels with a dog, make sure your dog will be quiet. Please. Please, for the love of God and the sweet baby Jesus and in the name of everything good and holy in this world, do not be That Guy with the dog that won't shut up. Especially small dogs. It's a Rule that small, yippy dogs have vocal chord strength that is inversely proportional to their size. So the smaller the dog, the stronger the chords. I've been in hotels where I can hear a dog barking for 20 hours straight. This is cruel and unusual and at that point, I think it's for the good of society that I might just kill that dog.

Don't leave the tongs for the sausage links IN the sausage links warmer. I feel like this is a no-brainer, but apparently, some people don't have brains. If you are getting sausage links or scrambled eggs or fig compote for your miniature apple bread pudding, put the spoon or tongs back on the plate they belong on. If you leave them in the dish, they get hot/sticky/gross, and then my continental breakfast is spoiled because of your carelessness.

Don't be fooled- room service is expensive shit. I know you know this. Half the hotels I stay in don't even have room service. But when I see it, I always get excited. Room service is for people who are so Important that they either a) don't have the time to rush out to get dinner, b) are too worn from the journey to do that or c) have to take the crazed-fan possibility into consideration. In any event, room service means Glamour. And lo, you too can have that Glamour.

For a price.

You can have the Glamour of being in your boxers and wife beater and having someone deliver a havarti and mushroom burger to your very own room for only $12.95. "A havarti and mushroom burger? To my room?!?!? And for only- HOLY CRAP THIRTEEN FREAKING DOLLARS FOR A BURGER?!??!?" Yes, 13 bucks. And thats not including the tax, 25% service charge, and tip. So in the end, you get a good $10 burger for $20. Yikes.


I guess the major point I want to make is, staying in a hotel is kind of a Big Deal. So if you are fortunate enough to stay in one this season, take your responsibility seriously. You don't have to be an Important Person (or even pretend that you are one), but you ARE staying in a hotel. And if there's one thing you remember, let this be it- KEEP YOUR DOG QUIET.

Christmas and Birthday (because while the dates are close, they are not the Same Thing.)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that time of year is coming round. You know what I'm talking about. The signs are just too obvious to miss.

Halloween has come and gone. We dressed up and acted fools (actually, no more foolish than we might any other Saturday, we just did it this time with a fake scar and wand) (some of us even dressed up our animals, which, by the way, I'm TOTALLY against, except for one particular dog because he is just too cute for words). We've all eaten more candy in one week than we will for the rest of the year (with a small spike somewhere in April for Easter). Thanksgiving is right around the corner. It's getting cooler (finally down to 75- pull out the scarves and mittens!), and every retail store is aggressively pushing holiday music and marketing on us even though Christmas is still over a month and a half away.

The time has come to begin the annual and entirely futile attempt to convince people that, while having a birthday two weeks before Christmas does indeed mean they are close together, they are two entirely separate events and should be treated as such.

Let me say that again: Christmas and my birthday are two separate events.

I know they are close. I know. Had I any say in when my birthday was, I would have picked July. July birthdays get all the fun. School is out, so everybody can come to your party at the Zoo or the water park, or even in your back yard. You can have your party outside. You get all kinds of fun outside gifts like hoola hoops, roller blades, slip -n-slides. You can play silly, fun, summer music at your party- I'm thinking Beach Boys, Miley Cyrus, Will Smith. Summer birthdays are a GOOD TIME.

Contrast with a December birthday. Everyone is busy finishing up the semester, so if they can make it to your party, it's only for an hour between the final showcase for "Acting for Wee Ones" and your sister's piano recital. Plus, it's December. Water parks are out of the question, the zoo would be a touch chilly. So what are your options? The skating rink, with six thousand other aught-somethings trying to find some way to expend their energy, your house (and let's be honest, you're there EVERY DAY- clearly not the place for a party) and the Library. And your music options? Mannheim Steamroller or Bing Crosby singing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" AKA SADDEST. SONG. EVER.

But the worst part is: presents.

Now I understand, no one (save parents, siblings and aunts) HAS to give you gifts for either your birthday or Christmas. And I know we should be thankful for any present we get (unless it's from your dog, and it's on that rug you just bought or the shower curtain that you've washed several "gifts" from before), but the truth is, the quality of one of the gifts will be signifcantly lower than the other. Because they are buying Christmas gifts for everyone (including you), they don't have the time/money/energy to spend on what they percieve to bea second Christmas gift for you. Even though, if you were born in May or August, you would be getting something awesome.

For instance:
Person 1, born in May
Birthday present from friend:



Holy Moly! A new blender!











Christmas present from same friend



STAR TREK!!!!!!!!!!!!












An awesome gifting experience.




Now, compare:
Person 2, born shortly before Christmas
Birthday present from friend:



An record player! Awesome!!











Christmas present from same friend:


Orange peel. Huh. Thanks.










Friend: I'm sorry man, I just didn't know what else to get you and plus I'm strapped for cash cuz I had to by Star Trek for my other friend and I didn't have much time because I had to get to my sister's recital.

While I understand the friend's predicament, I would challenge him to plan ahead next time.

In the end, it really isn't that big a deal. As I've gotten older, I have learned that it's less about the gifts you get and more about the time you get to spend with friends (the trick is to spend the time with friends in bars and then they buy you drinks for your birthday, which are TOTALLY acceptable presents).

I would say, however, as my final thought on the subject; friends, if you're born in a non-December month, remember that your December-born friends like birthday love and Christmas love (separately) as much as you do, so gift accordingly.

Mondays: GET 'ER DONE!

So there's that song Manic Monday, and I have to say, I just don't understand it. A sort of sad, droopy sounding music plays and the Bangles lament that it's "just another manic Monday" and how they wish it was Sunday because it's a "funday." I hear that song and it just depresses me. It sounds like the saddest parts of the 80s all rolled into one- crimped hair, boots and shorts, elastic waisted jeans- but then add rain and bad traffic. So essentially, what I imagine Portland to be. And what's more, there's a lot of passive aggressive anger at Monday in that song, which I don't think is healthy at all.

I think we need to have a re-examination of our relationship with Monday. We need to understand what Monday is- it's weaknesses and it's strengths. You could look at Monday as the end of the weekend, OR you could look at it as the start of a brand new week. You can't have a great week on Saturday only. You have to start on Monday.

Also, a lot of commerce is reduced or stopped completely on Sunday. Awesome job standing in the way of economic recovery, Sunday. Monday gets things up and going again. Mondays are the stimulus of weekdays- unpopular, but necessary. History will remember the good you've done, Monday.

And while we're on the topic of the day the precedes Monday, I know that it has it's strengths (brunch is pretty much one of the most awesomest things ever in the history of all time), but it's not all mimosas and lounging. Anybody who has ever had to finish an arts and craft project over the weekend and run out of blue pipe cleaners at 6 pm on Sunday evening knows how sweet it is that closing time at Hobby Lobby on Monday is 8 o'clock and not 6. And any day that Chik-fil-a isn't open definitely has some explaining to do.

But before this turns into a rant against the other weekdays, let's focus on the day at hand: Monday. It's the newness of it, the possibility of success that give Monday it's value. The week you win the lottery starts with a Monday. So does the week when somebody proposes to you. If we stopped looking at Monday as a douchebag for ruining the weekend (and while I love weekending as much as anybody else, lest we forget, most things are best in moderation- and weekends would grow intolerable if there weren't something to make them special), we could appreciate Monday- because, quite frankly, Monday is a kick-off party for a full week of getting things done.

If you have a list of things to do, Monday is your man. Monday says 'give me your list' and then it allows you to totaly pwn it. If you work with Monday, and not against it, you will be happier, more accomplished, and the weekends will be that much more awesome.

So Manic Monday? I don't think so. I've decided that the NEW Monday song is Beyonce's Upgrade U. She says that "this won't be easy" but "trust me, you need me." And if you trust her, you can "build up your accounts." That means get rich. You need Monday to get rich. Six star suites, Hermes briefcases, Cartier tie clips- hello?!? I mean, I don't even wear tie clips, but it's the principle of the thing. Plus it's sung by Beyonce AND Jay-Z makes a cameo. I don't know about you, but my day is made a little bit more spectacular by the presence of those two. And if you could pick, who wouldn't want a spectacular Monday?

Has it Really been a Month?!??!

I mean, really?

I can't believe it's been an entire month. Not a couple of weeks. Not even almost a month. A whole, start-to-finish, pay-the-bills-on-the-first-and-the-fifteenth kind of month.

That's so much time! A month is 1/12th of the year. 30 whole, gigantic, enormous days. And if I'm not mistaken, somewhere around that many nights.

This is a little ridiculous, I must admit, even for me.

But now that I think about it, I've been busy with one or two things. In fact, I've been busy with quite a few things. I dare say that I might have had 30 major events happen during this month, which totally excuses my lack of blogging. At least 30. Probably closer to 87 or so.

And just to prove it, I'm going to list them.

-I got a job. (HUZZAH!) (the most important thing that happened, also the thing that has taken up the majority of my time- if anyone has a recommendation of a job that pays well that I can do in about 20 minutes, email me please and thank you)
-I joined a gym. (which, due to my job, I use very infrequently, but I still did it.)
-I drove a white, 15 passenger van from Brownsville to Austin in 4.5 hours to make it to a Gorillaz concert. ( this is usually a 5+ hour trip, and some might marvel at my time. It may have been whispered that I drive dangerously- I would argue that I drive safely, but with a sense of urgency.)
-I saw Gorillaz (pretty awesome, I just wish I knew the music better beforehand so I could have sang along)
-I have become obsessed with Star Trek.
-I may or may not have found a Star Trek encyclopedia on the interwebs to find out about all the stuff I don't yet know about the history/races featured in the story ( for instance, I may have read all about the Earth-Romulan War, the Delta quadrant, and a handful of other subjects. Maybe.)
-I made a number of new friends (among them, Andrea, Hannah, Whitney, Angela, and Evan). They're pretty spectacular.
-I voted.
-I bought (and drank) wine that I am embarrassed to admit to having bought and drank.
-I picked out some delicious red wine that I'm thrilled and proud of myself for having picked out.
-I watched Princess and the Frog at least 6 times.
-I watched "Goin' down the Bayou" and "Dig a Little Deeper" from Princess and the Frog an additional 43 or so times.
-I managed to convince Jeffrey that I am trustworthy, and he now lets me pet him. I'm in love.
-I discovered (along with the date) the spectacular 24Diner in Austin. Highly recommended.
-I started a third twitter account. (They are: aaroncglover, tipsyginger, and travelingginger, from oldest to newest, respectively. Follow 'em all!)
-I saw the border fence.
-Did I mention I'm obsessed with Star Trek? Because I am.
-I forgot to get my jacket for three separate trips. (I'm pretty embarrassed about that)
-I tried to gift some music on iTunes, but it wouldn't work, and I was pretty pissed about it. (bastards)
-I apparently have somehow caused my face to return to it's early adolescent stage and have had at least one mountain sized zit somewhere on my face at all times for the past 3 weeks. Not. A. Fan.
-I watched Little Shop of Horrors projected on a hotel wall.
-I went to a book fair and didn't look at any of the books, but had a fabulous time.
>>>>>>>>Ok, I would just like to point out that coming up with 30 entirely separate things that happened to me over 30 days is HARD. I am giving myself a Gold Star for effort<<<<<<
-I am *almost* caught up on Glee.
-I drank a beer while I waited to get my hair cut.
-Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek!!!
-I bought my sister's Christmas present.
-I took the dogs to a kennel.
-I wore a 7 foot tall duck costume.
-I got a pumpkin shake at the snazziest Braum's I've ever seen or been in.

BAM!