Hotels

So, the holiday season is approaching (as was stated in my last post which I got quite a bit of feedback on, and my dear readers, THANK YOU for your responses- you know who you are, and I have a Gold Star for each of you). And holidays mean lots of traveling in lots of people's plans. And I thought it might be a worthwhile to spend a minute on hotels.

Now, before we go any further, you should know that I love hotels. Hotels are an excuse for me to be indulgent. If I'm staying at a hotel, I take looooong showers. Instead of putting my dirty clothes in a neat little pile, I throw them where ever I damn well please. I keep the room a nice frosty 66 degrees so that I can snuggle under the covers of the much-newer-than-my-own mattress. (Actually, now that I think about it, my showers at home are pretty lengthy and my clothes pretty much are everywhere anyway, so I guess I'm indulgent most of the time :-/)

When hoteling, I pretty much pretend that I'm an Important Person. And if you haven't ever tried this, I strongly suggest you do. Because when you're staying at a hotel, nobody but the desk person who checks you in knows your name. For all those other hotel-dwellers know, you could be famous from a video you put up on Youtube. You could be famous from somewhere in Europe. And unless you make it obvious that you clearly are not Somebody famous from Somewhere, nobody will know otherwise.

Some tips for looking like an Important Person:

-Wear sunglasses. They can be real-expensive or fake-expensive, but you must have them. As soon as you hide your eyes, people will begin to wonder who you are and why you can't just make eye contact like other Normal People. And then they will start to wonder "Didn't I see that guy on a youtube video?"

-Have matching luggage. And have a lot of it. Preferably all black, or, if you must, in that brown and tan Louis Vutton print that I am *SO* over. And they don't have to actually match 100%, just enough so that when somebody is trying to seriously-but-not-obviously scope on you and your stuff, they think it's all the same. Bags with extraneous and whimsical functions will definitely help- hatboxes, dog carriers, coolers are all great ideas.

-Travel with a small dog. Life on the road for an Important Person is tough, and it can get lonely. A small dog solves that problem. Lucky for you, since you are just trying to look like an Important Person, you get twice the benefits! You get the company of a small dog of your choosing and you now have a reason to purchase and carry a bag (that matches your other luggage) that you can carry said dog around in. People will definitely want to know who you are if you have a small dog in a bag, but they'll be intimidated by your sunglasses and matching luggage, and they will DEFINITELY think you are an Important Person.

Now, I should clarify- whether or not you are Important Person-ing, there are some rules that ALL hotel-ers should follow.

If you insist on being the idiot that travels with a dog, make sure your dog will be quiet. Please. Please, for the love of God and the sweet baby Jesus and in the name of everything good and holy in this world, do not be That Guy with the dog that won't shut up. Especially small dogs. It's a Rule that small, yippy dogs have vocal chord strength that is inversely proportional to their size. So the smaller the dog, the stronger the chords. I've been in hotels where I can hear a dog barking for 20 hours straight. This is cruel and unusual and at that point, I think it's for the good of society that I might just kill that dog.

Don't leave the tongs for the sausage links IN the sausage links warmer. I feel like this is a no-brainer, but apparently, some people don't have brains. If you are getting sausage links or scrambled eggs or fig compote for your miniature apple bread pudding, put the spoon or tongs back on the plate they belong on. If you leave them in the dish, they get hot/sticky/gross, and then my continental breakfast is spoiled because of your carelessness.

Don't be fooled- room service is expensive shit. I know you know this. Half the hotels I stay in don't even have room service. But when I see it, I always get excited. Room service is for people who are so Important that they either a) don't have the time to rush out to get dinner, b) are too worn from the journey to do that or c) have to take the crazed-fan possibility into consideration. In any event, room service means Glamour. And lo, you too can have that Glamour.

For a price.

You can have the Glamour of being in your boxers and wife beater and having someone deliver a havarti and mushroom burger to your very own room for only $12.95. "A havarti and mushroom burger? To my room?!?!? And for only- HOLY CRAP THIRTEEN FREAKING DOLLARS FOR A BURGER?!??!?" Yes, 13 bucks. And thats not including the tax, 25% service charge, and tip. So in the end, you get a good $10 burger for $20. Yikes.


I guess the major point I want to make is, staying in a hotel is kind of a Big Deal. So if you are fortunate enough to stay in one this season, take your responsibility seriously. You don't have to be an Important Person (or even pretend that you are one), but you ARE staying in a hotel. And if there's one thing you remember, let this be it- KEEP YOUR DOG QUIET.