I'm pretty sure that when Thomas Jefferson and all the other founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence and framed the constitution, this conversation or some approximation of it occured:
Jefferson: Gentlemen, don't you think that this thing should read 'life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and a good strong internet connection at all times?'
Franklin: Jefferson, I think that's ridiculous. Everyone knows that a good internet connection is so fundamental a right, even King George wouldn't try to take it away from us.
Jefferson: I'm inclined to agree with you Benjamin, but, gentlemen, we shouldn't take anything for granted.
Franklin: Jefferson, shut it.
Adams: Benjamin, why are you so testy? And stop calling him Jefferson, it's a little ridiculous.
Franklin: Oh ho ho, John Adams weighs in! Aren't you going to wait until George Washington shows up to make a statement? Can't say anything until Georgy gives his "presidential seal" of approval huh?
Jefferson: Yes, gentlemen, where is George?
Adams: He's late. Probably trying to make an entrance. And I can speak for myself, Benjamin.
Franklin: I can speak for myself, Benjamin.
Adams: Stop that!
Franklin: Stop that!
Jefferson: Gentlemen!
Hamilton: Can't we all just get along?
Jefferson: Gentlemen, we were discussing the clause of "good strong internet connection at all times" and whether we should put it in or leave it out.
Franklin: That's what she said.
Adams: Benjamin!
Franklin: Benjamin!
Hamilton: *singing* Children behave/ that's what they say when we're together/ And watch how you play-
Washington (bursting in): ALL RIGHT BOYS. Let's get down to work. Charge!
Adams: George! I'm so glad you're here.
Jefferson: If you can please compose yourselves, gentlemen, let's get down to work on this declaration.
Washington: I'm in charge here. I say we attack at dawn. Charge!
Jefferson: GENTLEMEN. George, calm down. Benjamin, leave John alone, you know how he breaks out when he gets upset. John, keep quiet. Alexander, stop crying. Are we listing 'good internet connection' as an inalienable right or not?
Franklin: As I said before, there's no reason to. They may take our blood, but they will not take our internet.
Washington: I agree with Ben. Now can we go attack the English already?
Adams: I don't think we need it. It also makes the sentence sound bulky.
Hamilton: Whatever makes everybody happy.
Jefferson: Thank you, gentlemen. Henceforth, it is resolved that from this day forward, with God as my witness, all men shall be connected equal. Equally. Connected equally, rather.
I'm positive that this was supposed to be listed. I know it in my bones. So when I'm trying to update, or post, or google blue whales, or whatever, It upsets me greatly when the internet connection sucks. Sucky internet connection is almost even worse than no internet at all. If there's no signal period, which is still pretty depressing in it's own way, at least I know where I stand. When you have a weak signal or it goes in and out, it's maddening. I mean, you are clearly supposed to have internet, and you plan on having it, but then your plans are foiled by sucky internet.
My constitutional rights are simply infringed upon when I'm told I can get online and I can't. I should not and will not stand for this blatant affront to my rights as an American. Nor should anyone else.
And so I say to you, my fellow Americans,
Let us unite against this dark tide of deceit.
Let us rise against the powers of lameness and "unresponsive servers."
Let us overcome this lack of internet, and together, as one nation, connect and, as is our right and our duty, surf the interwebs without lag.
Thank you all. God bless the internet, and god bless America.
